Oh Mother
by KrazeeChicks
Summary: After a particularly hard case, Olivia goes home and has some memories of her childhood and her mother....sorry bad summary. But please read and review. Rated M for safety.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Here is a new story... Don't worry we are still working on Unhappily Wed...Please read and review.**

**Disclaimer: Own nothing**

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Olivia slammed her front door shut. Balancing the brown paper grocery bag in her one arm she used her other hand to put the chain across, then the bolt as well as every other lock on her door. Something she had never done. She checked it over to make sure before walking into the kitchen. She put the bag down on the counter and pulled a glass out of the cupboard. She reached into the grocery bag and pulled out a big bottle of scotch. She unscrewed it and quickly poured some into the glass.

She quickly drank the entire glass before heading over to the freezer. She opened it up and pulled out a bag of frozen vegetables. Taking that, the booze, and the glass; she walked over to the couch. She placed the scotch and the glass on the coffee table before collapsing down into her couch, quickly regretting the harsh movement.

This would be the first night back at her apartment after her time at Sealview. After getting out she had give to her statement and what not before heading home, changing and then heading back out. Her cupboards had been totally empty, empty of alcohol that was.

As she poured then downed some more scotch she held the vegetables over the growing bruise she had thanks to Harris and his nasty temper. She winced at the pain, another painful reminder of how close she had come to being raped. She closed her eyes and tried to block out the sound of the traffic in the street, but as she did she heard her own screams and pleas for help, and Harris taunting her like a cat with a mouse as he tried to find her.

She quickly opened her eyes and allowed the traffic outside to flood her head again. She didn't want to think about what had happened. It was enough to make her sick thinking of how Harris's hardened cock had practically brushed over her lips. Fin had left it to the very last second but she loved him forever for having got there in time. As her thoughts passed through her head she suddenly heard her mother's voice and something her mother had said to her when she was a little girl, after she had found out about the way in which she had been conceived, "Karmas a bitch."

Olivia had caused her mother nothing but pain. She had been a daily reminder of the ordeal her mother had gone through. Now her own emotional and perhaps physical scars would be her daily reminder, she'd never get Harris out of her head, she knew that. She suddenly realized just how Serena, her mother, had felt after her rape.

The reasons she had for hating her became much clearer; forcing her to remember probably the earliest memory she had as a child of her mother.

_Flashback start_

_Four year old Olivia Marie Benson was sitting on the front step of the Benson townhouse. Olivia had just walked home from kindergarten alone, like she did everyday. She was the only one that had to walk home alone. Parents of the other children would whisper to each other about the Benson girl. About how irresponsible it was for her mother to make such a young girl walk home alone but they never offered to take her home to make sure she got there safely. It was then that Olivia noticed her mother was not like all the other mothers._

_It was getting dark by the time her mother arrived home. Her mother got out the back of the taxi and stumbled to the front door. Serena was drunk again. Olivia stood up just in time for her drunken mother to thrust the house keys in her hand. "Open the door, you little bitch," Serena slurred to her daughter. Olivia bit her bottom lip and unlocked the front door as demanded._

_Once the wooden door was opened, Olivia rushed to the bathroom. The poor little girl had been holding it in for too long. Her neighbors were too scared of Serena that they never offered the little girl anything._

_Olivia walked in to the living room to find her mother sitting on the couch, downing another glass of scotch. "Olivia, take a seat," Serena spoke in anger at her innocent child. Olivia, being afraid of her mother, did what she was told and sat down on the couch beside Serena. _

"_Yes, Mommy?"_

"_You little bitch! You ruined my life!" Serena screamed in the little girl's face and grabbed her by the little arms._

"_I'm sorry, Mommy. What did I do?" Olivia felt bad and didn't even know what she'd done._

"_Some man raped me and I ended up with you. You useless little girl! Go to your room. I don't wanna see you again tonight."_

_The little brown haired girl just nodded with tears in her little beautiful brown eyes and got off the couch before rushing to her bedroom. Her purple painted domain, her hideaway from her evil, drunken mother. _

_The hurt little girl shut the door behind her and jumped in to her little bed, where she ended up crying her tiny heart out till she fell asleep. She hadn't realized till just now how much her mother really hated her and it really hurt. Mothers were supposed to love their daughters not tell them how much they hate them for something they had no control over._

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_The next morning, Serena walked in to her daughter's bedroom. Not remembering the events of the night before. She walked over to her daughter's little bed and could see the dried up tear stains on the little girl's olive toned cheeks. The little girl had been crying on and off all night and Serena didn't know why._

"_Wake up, Livvie," Serena whispered as she gently woke her daughter up._

_Olivia opened her coffee brown eyes and looked up at her mother. She was still upset._

"_Why were you crying, honey?" Serena asked as she sat down on the bed beside the child._

"_You said mean things to me last night..." Olivia said as more tears fell._

"_What did I say, baby? I don't remember."_

_Olivia just looked at her. It was at this point she realized this was what the rest of her life would be like. Her mother would get drunk and be so cruel to her then when she sobered up she would be apologetic and as loving as she could be. That's the way pretty much every night in the Benson house went until Olivia turned 12. After that Serena was drunk all the time, Olivia could never remember the times she was actually sober._

_End flashback._


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: There were only 2 reviews for the last chapter but here is chapter 2 so we hope you can get more in to the story with this chapter. There is more to come.**

**Disclaimer: Own nothing.**

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Chapter 2

After having thought enough on the couch Olivia was now soaking in the tub, allowing her bruised and aching body some much needed TLC. The hot water soothed her broken body but not her broken heart, and as she took another swig of scotch she was forced to remember just why her heart was so broken.

_Flashback start_

_12 year old Olivia Benson walked down the stairs and into the living room. Most kids would be running towards piles of presents today, but Olivia was forced to look at Serena who was passed out on the couch, a huge puddle of vomit next to her and over the couch. There was a discarded vodka bottle smashed on the floor. "Merry Christmas mom," she whispered before heading to the kitchen._

_She grabbed some cleaning things. She filled the mop bucket with hot water and went into the living room. Serena was sat up on the couch, cradling her head. "Why don't you go get in bed mom?" Olivia suggested._

"_Why don't you just shut-up?" Serena spat back at her._

_Olivia began scooping up some of the vomit into another bowl before scrubbing the stained carpet. "Why don't you make yourself useful and go get me some aspirin and some water?" Serena said._

_Olivia pushed herself up of the floor and went to retrieve them. She stopped on the spot and sighed as she heard her mother throw up again. She had hoped she would get one present, just one. She had hoped Serena would remember and get her something, but the only present she was receiving so far were puddles of vomit._

_End flashback_

Olivia sighed and slid down in the bathtub so she was under the water, wetting her hair before sliding back up. Her Christmases never got any better. By the time Olivia was sweet sixteen. Olivia learnt more about her mother, which upset her more. Knowing what her mother did when she was pregnant with her.

_Flashback start_

_Serena was only two days from her due date and she was sitting in a bar, drinking vodka. She was already on her fifth glass. Serena slammed her glass down on the bar. "Give me another one, you useless prick," she slurred._

"_Ma'am, you're drunk...and pregnant. It is hurting your baby," the man tried to reason with the pregnant drunken woman._

_Serena slammed her glass down again. "I don't give a shit. I never wanted this thing...I had no choice in that matter. Now get me another --Ahhh!" She cried and clutched her big baby bump._

"_Oh shit! Christina, call an ambulance. This pregnant woman is going in to labor," Markus called to a bar maid._

"_Ok," she replied and did what she was told._

_Serena was rushed to the closest hospital and found out that her baby was not going to wait. She had to push now._

"_Push, Serena."_

"_Argh!!" she screamed as she pushed, "get this stupid kid out of me!"_

"_Good, Serena. The head is already crowning...Push again!" The doctor did not like this woman. How could she go out and get drunk?_

_There were NICU doctors and nurses waiting for this baby because they knew the child would need immediate help._

_After several minutes of screaming and pushing, the doctor looked up at the exhausted and sweaty Serena, who was starting to sober up._

"_One more push and the baby will be here."_

_Serena nodded and pushed one last time. The tiny baby slid in to the doctor's hands but did not cry. "It's a girl." The doctor announced and handed the baby over to a NICU nurse._

"_Why isn't she crying? Babies are supposed to cry..." Serena asked, surprising even herself with the amount of worry evident in her voice. "Why isn't she crying?!" she yelled at the Dr's and nurses who weren't answering her. "Please tell me she's okay!" she said as tears began to fall down her cheeks. Serena was beginning to realize the harm she'd caused her baby._

_They just left the room, leaving Serena alone with just one nurse who tended to her needs. "Please tell me where they are taking my baby." Serena asked the young nurse._

_She just looked up at her with an expression that said 'what would you care.'_

_Some hours later Serena opened her eyes as she heard the door open. A nurse walked over to her holding a wrapped up pink bundle. "She needs to be fed," the nurse said to her in a disappointed tone. _

_Serena sat up and hesitantly took the bundle from the nurse who left immediately. Serena looked down at her tiny daughter, who just stared up at her with eyes that asked 'why?'_

"_I'm so sorry," Serena said to her. "I don't think I'm gonna make a very good mother," she said honestly to her daughter._

_She had no clue as to what she was doing but she shifted her gown a little and was shocked when the tiny baby latched straight onto her breast. "You're a smart one. That's good because I'm not so smart anymore." she said to the feeding baby. _

_She began gently smoothing her daughters head. She loved how soft her dark hair was. She couldn't believe how overwhelmed she was by holding her daughter and having such a strong bond growing inside of her as she fed. Serena continued to watch her feed until she had finished, she covered herself up and held the baby close to her, gently rubbing her back. Her tiny daughter looked at her for a few moments before being lulled off to sleep in the arms of her mother. "Sleep sweet my darling. My little Olivia," she said, placing a soft kiss on her head._

_End flashback._

Olivia, who had been under the water pushed up taking a much needed breath as she brushed her wet hair of her face. The water was freezing and her entire body was trembling. She stood up and grabbed a towel, as she was about to wrap it around her she glanced down at the bruises her body now possessed. Evidence of Harris was all over her body. She wrapped the towel tight around her and sat down on the ledge of the bath tub and began to sob.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Own nothing.**

Chapter 3

All the sobbing was making Olivia sick to her stomach. It did a 180 flip and she was going to throw up some of the alcohol she'd consumed during the night. Olivia leaned over to the toilet and promptly extracted some of the night's alcohol. When she thought she could get up, she stumbled back in to the bedroom and lay down on the bed, not bothering to get dressed.

The brunette's chocolate brown eyes began to drift shut and she was about to let the darkness consumed her, she was rudely interrupted by the shrill ringing of her house phone.

_'Should I answer or not?' _She thought to herself with a groan. She decided against it and then the apartment was filled by _"Hi this is Olivia, I'm not home leave your name and number and I'll get back to you, thanks"_

She scoffed to herself as she realized just how sad it was that she was 40 and still single. She would live to be able to have her answering machine say "Hi this is Olivia, I can't come to the phone because I'm having mad passionate sex with my gorgeous successful husband" _like that would be happening anytime soon._

She buried her heavy head into the fluffy pillow and allowed her eyes to drift shut. She had to wonder if she would ever get married or if she had lost her opportunity all together.

_Begin flashback_

_Sixteen year old Olivia walked in to the house, with her boyfriend, Ben Taylor. He was in her mother's English class at Columbia College and Serena didn't even know they were dating._

_Olivia found her mother sitting on the couch, downing a bottle of vodka so she told Ben that he would be safer for him to wait outside. He hesitated but nodded and gave her a kiss. "Ok, baby."_

_The teenager walked in and her mother looked up at her._

"_What do you want, you useless bitch?" Serena slurred like usual._

"_I'm engaged to Ben Taylor, Mom. I am moving in with him." she told her loud and clear, she'd had enough of this life with her mother, she wanted more and Ben loved her. He cared for her and he was always so soft and gentle with her, he never raised his voice to her, he wouldn't dream of it. He was the complete opposite of her mother._

_Serena was outraged. She dropped the bottle of vodka on the floor and picked up the jagged edge. Olivia's heart pounded in her chest and she just watched her mother. "If you do I will get him kicked out of college," she seethed in anger._

"_I love him and you can't keep me here anymore!" Olivia yelled at her. She was sick of being scared of her mother, but it was so natural for her to be scared of her. _

_Serena suddenly ran at her with the jagged glass, "You're mine. No one else can have you!" she yelled at her waving the jagged glass at her. Olivia had never been so scared. Without thinking she kicked out, hitting her mother and then she kicked her again, sending Serena flying in to the wall with a thud. She just watched as she slid down the wall onto the carpeted floor, whimpering in pain._

_The teenager really had never been so scared in her life. She just ran, straight out the door and straight past Ben._

"_Livia! Come back! What happened?" He called out as he chased after her._

_But being the quick runner she was Ben couldn't catch up and he lost sight of her._

_End flashback._

Her eyes shot open, as if to stop the memory. She remembered it well, after that she had finished with Ben then eventually gone home where she had received a pretty bad beating.

_Start flashback_

_Olivia tip-toed in to the house to find her mother sitting on the couch, holding her sore ribs. Serena was pissed off and Olivia knew it. She was in for the punishment of her life._

_She gulped as she heard her mother approaching her. "Stop where you are, Olivia Marie Benson," Serena growled at her daughter._

_Doing as she was told, Olivia stopped and looked in to her mother's emerald eyes as she bit her bottom lip in fear._

"_How dare you kick me, you little slut!" Serena yelled in the teenager's face and lifted up her right fist._

_Olivia's heart was pounding in her chest again and before she could react in self defense, Olivia was on the floor, holding her head. Serena had punched the teen in the face and Olivia had fallen back hitting the back of her head on the wall, leaving a hole._

"_Please stop, Mom," Olivia begged as Serena continued to kick the poor girl in the rib cage._

"_Shut. Up. Bitch!" Serena said with each kick._

_One more swift, hard chest, knocked the wind out of Olivia, sending her in to the blackness of unconsciousness._

_She woke up after a while and tried to get up but her body hurt too much. She flinched as she felt her mother's cold hand stroke her faced. "Shh baby. Stay still. You hit your head pretty hard." Serena said to her._

_Serena was lying on the floor next to her holding her protectively in her arms. "See the pain he's caused you. Men will always hurt you Olivia, just like they hurt me. You're just like me, and you always will be. We don't deserve to be loved." she said._

_End flashback._

Olivia lay there, staring at nothing in particular. Her mother had been right, or at least she thought she had, she was unlovable. She had had nothing but disastrous relationships, the only guys who paid her any attention where the rapist and murders she locked away everyday. People like Harris who just wanted to control her and have her. Serena had been cruel but Olivia was beginning to think it was her way of trying to protect Olivia. It was true that the truth hurt.


	4. Chapter 4

**Please read and review.**

**Disclaimer: own nothing.**

**Chapter ****4**

Olivia needed another drink, so she got up out of bed and ended up falling down. Her legs just weren't co-operating with her. She then tensed up when she heard the key in the door. The only other person with a key to her apartment was Elliot and she couldn't bear to see him right now, especially like this.

"Liv! Where are you?" the familiar voice called out as he walked through the apartment.

Olivia sighed and leaned her head back on her bed. She knew he wasn't going to go away.

"I'm in my bedroom, El," she ended up calling back.

Two seconds later the bedroom door swung open and Elliot gasped at the state his partner was in. He rushed over to her and kneeled down in front of her before gently cupping her chin in his hand, "Livvie, what are you doing?" he asked her.

"Sitting on the floor," She answered sarcastically before laughing at just how pathetic she was being right now.

"Liv come on get up." Elliot said as he held onto her arms and pulled her up from the floor. Once standing he let go of her but she fell back; quickly grabbing him; before she hit the bed having pulled him down on top of her.

Elliot quickly tried to push himself up especially as he heard her whimper in pain. He'd landed on her ribs and he had heard her tell Cragen that Harris had struck her there. "Liv I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…are you okay?" he asked her.

She just lay on her back with her hand covering her face as she cried. Elliot spotted an empty bottle of alcohol next to her bed. He figured she's been drinking before he had spotted it. He could smell the stuff on her. He quickly assumed this was because of what had happened at Sealview. "Liv…" he said.

"I know I'm fucking pathetic." she said quietly and from behind her hand. She didn't want to have to look at him and to have to have him seeing her so pathetic.

Elliot caressed the brunette's cheek. "Liv, you are not pathetic...You're just going through a rough patch. I'll help you through it," he spoke with complete honesty and love.

In one quick movement, Olivia moved her hand from her face and looked in to her partner's ocean blue eyes. "I don't want your pity," she spoke aggressively before getting up in a rush; the too quick movement making her dizzy.

Elliot saw her sway and he caught her just in time before she hit the carpeted floor of her bedroom again. "Liv, sit back down. You've had way too much to drink," he whispered as he helped her back on the bed.

Olivia didn't even bother to resist this time. "Can you please get me some aspirin? I have a headache," she mumbled with her eyes now closed.

Elliot laughed lightly before placing a light kiss on her cheek, "Ok, I'll be right back, don't go anywhere." he whispered and walked out.

As he was in the kitchen he heard some shuffling before a loud thump come from the bedroom. "Liv!" he called.

He turned on his heels and ran into the bedroom she was nowhere to be seen but he could see the en-suite door open and then the sound of her throwing up. He walked into the bathroom to see her hugging the porcelain bowl. He crouched down behind her and gently pulled her hair back and held it back for her, then began rubbing small circles on her back. His heart sunk as he heard her begin to sob.

"Liv honey what is it?" he asked, sheer concern for his partner evident in his voice.

"I let Harris take my control away Elliot. I've never been so fucking pathetic…I've never been so scared in my whole life," she cried.

He released a small sigh. He had known that that was what this was probably about. He knew she never got drunk. "Liv we got Harris. He's somewhere where he can never hurt anyone ever again," he assured her.

He was pleasantly surprised as she shifted around and held onto him as she cried into his chest. "It's okay Liv. You're safe. I got ya', I won't let anybody hurt you" he said as he gently stroked her feather soft hair.

It must have been soothing for Olivia because she ended up drifting off to sleep in the warmth and safety of her partner's arms. Elliot didn't noticed that Olivia had fallen asleep until he heard her sigh and snuggle closed in to his chest. He smiled down at her. She finally looked peaceful. "Come on, sweetie," he murmured as he scooped her up while he stood himself.

Olivia was light as a feather. She'd lost a lot of weight. Elliot could tell. He sighed as he carried her back in to the bedroom. "Baby, you gotta eat," he whispered softly as he delicately laid her back down on the comfy, large bed.

Olivia responded with a sigh and by clinging onto him; not aware of her unconscious movements in her sleep. "Let go, Liv," Elliot spoke softly as he gently tried to pry her slender arms from around his neck.

It took a few minutes but Elliot managed to pry her arms from around his neck. He tip-toed out of the room and called Cragen, who was very worried about one of his best detectives, the one who he saw as a daughter.

"Hey Capt."

Elliot heard Don sigh on the other end of the phone line. _"What state is Olivia in?"_

"Pretty bad. I've never see her like this. So drunk, so depressed. What did that bastard do to her? She won't tell me."

"I can only tell you what Fin told me." Cragen informed him.

"That's fine, Capt I just wanna know so I can help her."

"I know Elliot." the older man replied, knowing just how special the two detectives were to each other.

**TBC**

**How will Elliot react when he finds out what happened?**


	5. Chapter 5

**Please read and review.**

**Disclaimer: If we owned it we would both be rich and famous but we aren't so we don't own it. Lol.**

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**Chapter 5**

"_The longer I have to wait…the harder it's gonna be!" Harris yelled as he hit more things and shone his torch around._

_Every sound seemed to be so loud to her and her ears were already being deafened by the sound of her heavily beating heart._

"_I'm gonna find you and when I do…you're it." he said._

_She saw a bunch of things go flying across the basement floor as he kicked them, then she saw him and he saw her. "Hello, guess whose ass is mine now?" he said, taunting her._

_All she could do was sigh, she hoped if she didn't look at him and closed her eyes he might just go away and she would wake up and this would all just be some cruel nightmare, but as she opened them he was still there. "Okay…you win." she said in surrender as she began standing up._

_Her body was shaking violently but she obeyed his commands to come to him; holding her hands up in surrender the whole time. "Easy" she said, begged more like._

_She just concentrated on the coldness and pure evil in his eyes; too much; she wasn't quick enough to dodge the first blow he made. She just held the tender spot then he struck her again and she fell to the floor. "That's to let you know whose boss." he said satisfied with himself._

_Then she hit him. She wanted to stay and kick him more as he fell to the floor but she didn't, she ran. She didn't get far and was quickly trapped by another door. She banged on it and yelled for help. She turned around as she heard him coming up behind her. She quickly regretted it as he smacked her across the face. It was harder than she'd ever been hit in her life; and she'd been hit a lot in her life. She fell to the floor, whimpering like some pathetic dog. _

_He suddenly pushed her back against the door and grabbed her cuffed arm and used the other cuff to secure her to the door. She tired to stop him from being able to do so but her body was sore and beginning to give in to the inevitable._

"_You bite me and your dead." he spat angrily at her._

_She could only watch as he stood there waiting for what it was he was commanding her to do. She just cried and prayed someone was coming to help her. She considered screaming for help, but what good had it done her so far. She felt his cold hands on her face as he pulled her towards him. "No! No!" she begged…_

Olivia sat up in bed, breathing hard, as her nightmare was quickly washed aside. She looked at her hands; they were shaking so bad it was making her feel dizzy to look at them. She was suddenly aware of just how sick she felt. She pushed herself up off the bed; of which she had no recollection of actually getting into; and walked into the kitchen.

"Elliot?" she said as she saw him standing there with a cup of coffee in his hands. He quickly began making her one. She wasn't sure if it was just her eyesight or if he really was as pale looking as he seemed. "Are you okay?" she asked him.

"Here." he said as he passed her the coffee.

She took it and faked the best smile she could. She knew she must have been pretty drunk and he seemed really angry with her so she shuddered to think of the things she might have said or the things she might have done. Unable to take it anymore she asked, "Have I done something bad?"

"Why don't you tell me what happened in the basement." he said, it sounded like a question but she knew it was more of a demand.

"I told you nothing happened." she said simply before taking a swig of scalding hot coffee. Her tongue cried out in pain but she ignored the pain and leaned against the counter as she tried to forget about the basement and what had happened down there.

"I wanna know from you what happened." Elliot said as he stood right in front of her.

"I'm going for a shower. You know where the front door is." she said as she put her coffee down and tried to step past him, only to have him step in her way. She tried to step the other way but he blocked that path too.

She continued trying to get by him but each time he blocked her path. She was about to burst into tears and she really didn't want to do that in front of him so she barged into him, hoping to get him to move but instead he grabbed her wrists and pushed her back against the counter, holding her firmly in place. "El get off me now or I swear to God…" she said as her lip began to tremble. She'd begged one man to let go of her, and just made a fool of herself, she wasn't about to do it again.

"Tell me what happened in the basement."

"Get off me!" she said at him, raising her voice hoping it would make him let her go.

Instead he stepped closer to her so his body was touching hers. He knew this was the wrong way to get her talking but he knew she would only talk if she was broken down enough. "Oh God Elliot please just let me go, please, please." she said, now begging she couldn't care less if she looked like a fool it was just too much for her to be this close to someone right now, even if that someone was Elliot.

"I will when you tell me what happened." he said quietly but firm.

She was being held against her will again and no matter how she tried she couldn't do anything about it. It was too much for her to take and she burst into tears, ducking her head so Elliot wouldn't see her tears.

Elliot let go of her wrists and wrapped his arms around her. "I want to know so I can help you get through this." he said as she continued to cry.

"How many times do I have to tell you that I don't wanna talk about it, Elliot?" Olivia muttered in to her partner's chest.

Elliot sighed and rubbed her back. "Please tell me what happened, Liv. You can trust me," he whispered softly to the fragile woman he was holding.

Olivia looked up at him and bit her bottom lip, nervously. "Why do you want to know? Can't you just let me forget about it?"

Elliot delicately wiped away her wet tears and looked in to her beautiful brown pools. "I want to know because you are my partner. You're my best friend. I want to help you through this, Liv. Please accept my help. Let me help you," he practically pleaded with her.

Olivia took a slow, deep breath and nodded. "Ok. But after I have told you, can you please drop it?"

Elliot nodded. "Yeah. Come on, come sit on the couch," he spoke gently and guided her over to the couch.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: This is the last chapter. Sorry for the aburpt ending but we decided it was best to end the story. Please read and review.**

**Disclaimer: Own nothing.**

**Chapter 6**

It took just over an hour to tell Elliot the events that took place in the basement because she had to stop every now and again before she lost it too bad to speak. It was the closest Olivia Benson had ever come to being raped and the most scared she'd ever been in her life. Every time she closed her eyes she saw what happened. In some dreams Fin hadn't gotten there in time and it actually happened.

At least when she was drunk and passed out she managed to sleep for a few hours before the nightmares started. Olivia was emotionally and physically exhausted and didn't know how much more she could possibly take.

Olivia was sat on the couch cuddled up against Elliot. She was lying with her head resting on his lap and he was gently combing his fingers through her hair. "I keep thinking about my mother. I wasn't even raped and I'm so scared, she was raped…I understand her now." she said to him.

He continued to comb his hands through her hair as he thought about his reply.

"Liv, she still had no right to treat you the way that she did," he whispered, hoping that he hadn't said the wrong thing to her.

"Yes she did. I don't blame her for hating me," Olivia whispered in reply. Her bottom lip quivering as she tried to hold back her threatening tears.

Elliot combed his hands through her hair again before he caressed her cheek with one of his hands. "Livvie..."

"Please El, can we stop talking about this now? Please," she begged.

Elliot sighed. He thought that it was better for Olivia to get it off her chest but he wasn't a psychologist and he didn't want to push her because he knew that if he pushed her too far, too early it would end in drastic results. He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. "Ok, babe. We can stop talking about it now."

"Thank you. I love you," Olivia whispered to her best friend and ended up falling asleep in the warmth and safety of her partner's big, strong arms.

"Love you too." he said back to her.

_Olivia and her mother, Serena Benson, were sat discussing one of Olivia's first cases. They were in a particularly nice restaurant; the waiter was pouring them some wine as Olivia spoke._

"_Thank you." Olivia said to the waiter who then walked off leaving the two women alone. _

"_Do you think she killed him?" Serena asked her._

"_There's not a doubt in my mind." Olivia replied as she took a sip of her wine. _

"_And... how do you feel about that?" the older lady asked her._

"_When that little boy came in, and I realized that Tanzic was the father, there was a part of me that wished I'd been in the cab with him." Olivia replied._

"_I really wish you would consider getting out of that unit." Serena said to her daughter, it was something she'd been saying to her since the day Olivia had told her she had the job at the SVU. Serena hated seeing the pain it put her daughter through and she knew just why she wanted to work there, although she suspected Olivia didn't know that she knew her reasons for wanting to be in the SVU._

"_Come on, Mother. Let's not tonight, please." Olivia said. They had this discussion way too many times and she was too tired for it tonight._

"_Do you think this is healthy for you?" Serena asked her only child._

"_You were raped, for God sakes. Are you telling me that you don't understand why she did what she did?" Olivia asked becoming slightly emotional._

"_Oh, I understand it. That does not mean that I condone it." Serena said._

"_Wait, are you saying that you wouldn't have done exactly the same thing if you'd had the chance?" Olivia asked, somewhat confused._

"_Is that what you would have wanted me to do?" Serena asked her._

"_Yes!" Olivia exclaimed._

"_How old is that little boy?" Serena asked her._

"_He's five." Olivia answered, slightly confused again by her reply._

"_Is he going to be better off with his mother in prison? Do you think you would have been better off with me in prison the whole time you were growing up?" Serena asked her, knowing how hard things had been for the both of them when she was growing up, but Olivia had no other family she would have been in foster home after foster home having God only knows what happening to her. Things had been awful but they could have been much worse for the Benson's._

"_I hate him for what he did to you." Olivia said as tears stung her eyes. She was of course talking about the man who had fathered her in such a cruel way._

"_So do I — and if he hadn't, you would not be here." Serena said with a small smile._

_Olivia smiled back at her as her tears began to fall. Serena took her daughter's hand and gently and lovingly brushed the top of it with her thumb._

Olivia opened her eyes from the memory and couldn't help but smile. She and her mother had awful times, worse than awful, but she had one or two good memories. It was just sometimes hard to remember them over all the bad ones.

_7 year old Olivia Benson walked down the stairs from her bedroom, she had been doing her homework but the sound of her mother's sweet singing voice had brought her down. She followed the sweet sound into the kitchen where her mother was stood doing something Olivia never saw her do, baking big fat chocolate chip cookies. Olivia smiled and licked her lips as she saw a plate full of still hot cookies. _

_Serena turned and saw her daughter standing in the doorway; she smiled at her then picked up a cookie and held it out for her. Olivia ran over as fast as she possibly could and hugged her mother tight before taking the cookie and taking a big bite of it. Serena couldn't help but laugh as she reached down and picked up her child and gently laid her down on the worktop next to where she stood mixing more cookie dough._

_She carried on singing as she mixed and every now and then turned back to look at her small child. She couldn't help but smile at just how beautiful her daughter was. Abandoning the mix she scooped Olivia up; who had now finished eating her cookie: and began dancing around the kitchen with her in her arms. Olivia wrapped her arms around her mothers neck and swayed along with her mother as she sang, Olivia even began to sing herself. _

_They danced around the house the whole night, eating cookies and drinking milk before they both crashed out on Serena's king-sized bed and went to sleep._

Olivia couldn't help but cry as she thought about her mother. She understood her much better now and she knew why, it was because of she understood the fear and trauma of rape even better than before. As she thought about her mother she felt a dull ache as she realized just how much she missed Serena, just how much she missed her mother.


End file.
